Sunday, March 25, 2012

Argue like a Lady

Last week this illiterate, shit-kicking, uneducated backwoods mutant hillbilly took it upon herself to tell me, on Facebook nonetheless, to “go eat something you cow.” I really didn’t have a fucking clue what she was talking about, maybe because she misspelled three of the five words she wrote, but either way I starred at her comment like a monkey doing a math problem until I finally realized this was her feeble attempt at calling me fat. I laughed at first, got pissed, and then realized who I was dealing with and then I of course laughed again. The old me would have turned into the verbal assassin my brothers and I have become. We would never exert that kind of energy to physically fight anyone; I get tired just taking the stairs, but also because jail scares the shit out me. I can't be someone's bitch as a result of losing my cool, but if pushed enough I will shake my finger in your face and call you ungodly names.

Anyway, her comment got me thinking though, good insults should be applauded and celebrated, but instead most girls just call each other a combination of stupid, fat, whore, and bitch, rarely deviating away from these foundational insults. The woman in the example above scored points for creativity though; I have never been called a cow before, but I feel like she could have done better.

So, I have created a chart to help those who become insult impaired when verbally accosting someone. It is a simple formula really; select one word from each column and there you have it, a more creative insult or if you prefer new nicknames for each other! 

dick blister
queef bag
cum Dumpster
human filth

Got any good names you like to call people; to their face or behind their back? Remember, sticks and stones may break your bones, but lighten up people, these are just words!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Irrational Fears

I have always been a nervous person, scared of pretty much everything; the dark, snakes, public speaking, flying, teenage girls with sharp objects, you know, typical fears and phobias. When my agoraphobia kicked into full gear however, I added to my list. I was suddenly afraid of things like eating in public, shopping, going to the movies, driving, and anything else that wasn't eating or breathing. After years of therapy I learned to determine if the fears I have are rational or irrational. Of course I still am anxious and I still have fears, but as an exercise I kept a list of some of my favorite irrational fears, so here goes!

I am afraid that...

...I will accidentally refer to my boss as "dad."

...out of habit, I will end a phone conversation with a coworker, customer, or pizza guy by saying "love ya, bye!"

...the person in the bathroom stall next to me will know I am dropping a heater because they heard me unroll another six feet of toilet paper.

...I will remain a fat ass and end up on the TLC show "I Was Pregnant and Didn't Know It."

...anytime I receive a picture via email or text from my brothers and sister, it will be a picture of the shit they just took or a handful of nut sack "brain." Furthermore, it is equally frightening when we are in the same room with each other. God forbid you have to walk past each other in a hallway because you are almost always guaranteed to receive a punch to the gut or crotch. Never leave yourself open and exposed around siblings...never leave yourself open or exposed!

...I will smell someone’s fart and be the first to notice it. I will make that face, like "who shit themselves?" only to have people repeatedly say, "who ever smelt it dealt it", as we did in the third grade. I will have to deny farting over and over again.

...I will send an email without spell checking and it will say, "sorry for the incontinence" rather than "sorry for the inconvenience."

...when the phone rings at 10pm at night, someone is dead, dying, or injured.

...the garage door, despite seeing it go down, is actually going to open right back up again and everything in my garage (although just scrap wood, a garbage can, and a recycling container) will be viewable for everyone in the neighborhood to see and/or help themselves too.

...during my annual exam at the gynecologist, they will lean in for a closer look and say, “eww, what is that?"

So that is my list! Do you have any that you want to share so I can over think them and add them on to my list?